30/06/2026

today and yersteday were rather good, in terms of temperature. 26°C as a maximum is really good to me. it’s also a temperature where i can easily roam in my home with few clothes on which is neat.

i dunno exactly how to formulate this, but i’m not getting better. i’m pretty unstable emotionally. or maybe not “unstable” per se, but more like, i break more often. i’m not able to hide it to my family (we live in the same household) as well as i did before. but i mean- ofc they all know and it’s not a surprise.
i really should get help from a professionnal.

ah yeah, another idea that’s been plaguing me (and it’s not recent, but i’ve thought about it again recently) is. do i actually feel emotions ?
this might sound weird, but for quite some time i have wondered if i really felt stuff, or if i acted like i thought i would act, and in the same way, i kinda “felt” like i thought i should feel. as if i’m not actually feeling stuff, but pretending to
here’s a cool music from porter robinson bw, called lifelike. it’s pretty, and it’s short.

at least i’m not so depressed that i don’t have the will to do anuthing anymore ! i listen to music, i work at my job internship, i was re-reading a webtoon named The Last Dimension on webtoons - it’s got pretty art, a good plot, nice characters, it’s overall just really nice -, i have a few ides for what stuff to put on this website (or at least to explore), and also i was working on a patreon client for android like, 6-7 months ago, and i wouldn’t be against continuing it. wheee

my laptop keyboard is still missing an s, and my left shift key is broken. i’ve bound (using evremap!) the ² key to s, and the <> key to shift (good thing it exists), and an acer-specific key that didn’t trigger anything before (it does sth on windows) to <>. now, if any new key fails, i don’t really have any available replacement

i had ordered a new s key from usa but usps lost the package. thanks usps ! (and the company i ordered from is not responding to my emails)
for the shift, tho, it’s a bigger issue. i wonder if re-seating the keyboard could help ? i’ve never done it before so i kinda fear i’ll mess up something tbh (somETiMEs the key works! i just don’t know why, or how. it just does its thing. i mean it could be depressed, and maybe it chooses to only work when it wants, and i respect that)

i don’t have much more to say today. tbh my mind is in a loop of sadness so it’s not like it would be very interesting to read anyways.
ah, well, i’ve found somehting. i would love to be able to hug, well, not someone cuz i don’t have a bf, but something. i own a small blahaj, but maybe i need the bigger one

ah, another thing. my ex best friend recontacted me yersteday. y’know, i had talked about him in the last post- we grew distant after i had found someone for me (which… makes sense to me, no ?) but also maybe he was jealous and stuff idk…
anyways. we talked a bit about random stuff (which we had not done for weeks. at least). and he asked me how i was doind. i did not lie. i also told him i did not want to think about my mental health, which is true. he saked because he wanted to tell me stuff, about our relationship (as friends) but he took account of my state and yeah we didn’t do anything. i anticipate very badly when we’ll have to have the talk. also, he teold me he had never seen me this down before. yeah no shit lol.

i just want to be in peace. have nobody. talk to nobody. just nothing. for… a few months. 2 i guesss, would be good.
that, i think, sounds really depressive. does it ? whatever

im gonna go sleep, i think. good night stranger