blogpost n°2

^{it’s not often i get to use the ° char. what a time to be alive}

hi. I hope you’re doing well ! I’ve had an alright-type day. i’ve been pretty productive at work which honestly feels kinda good; maybe i’ll go over more details about my job in another post but what i’ll say for now is it’s comfy and it does not make myself want to ascend (rain world reference ! i’ll also talk about rain world one day)
anyhow

i mean, if it wasn’t for me thinking about my ex about 20 to 30 times a day, life would be neat, really (or almost, cuz nothing’s ever perfect but you get me (do you ?))

i’ll call them kris. I do not know why i chose that but i’ve decided
i’ll provide you with a little bit of context;

• it was my first ever bf (i am male too, i actually do not care about what my partner is as long as we love each other, maybe i’ll make a post about it someday)
• it was also my first real love (not counting love stories you get when a young-ish child). he was the one to tell me he loved me first. i told him i wan’t sure because i hadn’t experienced it before. but then i developed what i think to be love feelings towards him. so yeah
• i was not looking for anybody before we met; i was just doing my own stuff, mostly alone (i still have a big-ish family, and i have (or had ?) a best friend). my mentality was more like “eeh i don’t wanna think about it so i will not”
• i’m a rather peculiar individual; i think i have an issue with people. i’m quiet irl, introverted and stuff. i like being a par of stuff but it can become overwhelming fast; i’m not really like the other people my age (i’m in my early twenties)
• before kris arrived, i was in a kind of bad state because someone had attached onto me; i was kinda stuck with them; and i really wanted to leave but it was soo hard i can’t even explain the grip they had on me. they were also, objectively, not a good person, and dragging me down. it is worthy to note htat kris was never made aware of that. even now thy aren’t. so kris unknowingly got me out of what could have been the worst mistake of my life.
  I don’t know why i call kris them; he’s a he/him. i like the word them tho
• i will not give all the details, or only what i deem necessary (oh boy)
• we’ve stayed together for three months. we met on vrchat in a random place. we didn’t really live next door but i went to vi&it him a few times still. for both of us it was perfect for some time. then it got kinda bad for one of us and i believe external sources are to blame
• they officially left me about two months ago. their reason was that they didn’t want to hurt me. i won’t go into details but i would say… they’re taking time to get better, and also to discover themselves. yeah. (ow.)
• i have not been able to get over it and i think about them way too often.
• we also chat sometimes which probably isn’t good for me. our primary comms go through discord. i’ve thought about blocking him but i can’t. i’ve been ignoring his profile on and off for some time now but i still check pretty often.
• i’ve decided i would not try to engage with him unless he does it first. problem is i think i should not engage at all. it hurts to think that we once were everything to each other and not anymore. also, when i don’t talk to him for some times he comes to say hi
• another major issue is that we had a serious conversation a few weeks ago and he still loves me. which fucking sucks because him saying that means my brain will continue hanging on that fucking hope. and i can’t get him off my mind

_{obviously that’s not all but that’s a good overview i would say}
anyways. to me it’s so hard to think that i have to forget him, because what if ?? it’s stupid. i think i’m “déprimé”, or maybe fully “en dépression”. i need a psychologist. idk the name in english. yeah i’m french btw

to cope, i :

• work my job
• play (solo) videogames (beat saber, blue prince, …), i mean i would want to play vrc too but i don’t wanna see kris and he’s often online recently
• try to create stuff, like this website. i am also interested in 3d/texturing (mostly for vr), drawing (digital) and stuff
• i listen to a shitton of music. and i sing and cry to them (it’s very easy)
• talk with my (new) bff. my original one… we grew distant because he was used to get 100% of my attention and of me (because i overall had no one else) and suddenly having other people… yeah he didn’t like it. i would like for us to do stuff still but yeah i don’t feel like he really wants to anymore, i think he feels like i abandonned him. honestly i don’t think i really did ? but hey whatever. we’ll probably sort that out one day. i’m not really in the mood for re-doing puzzles lately

…
why are we here again ?
ah, yeah, im trying to take things off of my chest. i believe putting words on stuff will help me see clearer. well see how that goes.
anyways. you can dm me at UnnamedServal @furry.engineer (mastodon), or at catserval.pw (i got my domain at porkbun, and they ahve email redirection. i might set up a proper email server for myself, idk. later maybe)

thanks for reading, i guess. i wish you a great day bye